Sunday, 23 October 2011

Keeeeeep dancin'! - Simon Cheshire

I know this is way off-subject, but I hope you're all playing the Strictly Come Dancing Bowl Of Nibbles Game every Saturday night. The rules are very simple. You must eat:
  • one handful of peanuts each time Alesha uses the word 'story-telling'
  • two handfuls of peanuts every time it looks like Len is about to stand up and walk out mumbling 'sod the lot of you'
  • one twiglet for each Brucie joke which doesn't get a laugh, OR for each time you think Brucie's going to fall and break a hip
  • a bag of ready salted crisps every time Anton clearly wishes he was doing Brucie's job
  • one cheesy wotsit for each square centimetre of naked skin shown by Ola's new outfit (up to a maximum of seven party bags)
  • a square of chocolate every time Anita Dobson smiles and frightens the children
  • three doritos for each time you shudder either a) because you get an uneasy feeling that there's something sinister about Robbie the footballer, b) at the realisation that Artem and Holly have the same size breasts, or c) when you catch a glimpse of the searing need to win which lies at the heart of Katya Virshilas's soul.
  • Finally, you have to down an entire pack of kettle crisps every time Russell Grant gets through to the next round and the judges have to pretend they want him back every bit as much as the public does.
You'll be stuffing your face non-stop. It's hilarious. Actually, I don't want to give you the wrong impression: I adore Strictly, seriously. I want to become semi-famous, just so that I can qualify to BE on Strictly. I reckon I'd be quite good at the tango.

Oh, before I go, just time for one of my utterly shameless plugs: my new ebook formatting and design service for self-publishers is now up and running at http://www.bookdesign.me.uk. Ah, got back on-subject in the end after all!

6 comments:

Catherine Czerkawska said...

Love this, could probably do the same for X-Factor but I've stopped watching, it's so awful! As for the shameless plug, I've bookmarked your site, your prices look extremely reasonable to me and just as soon as I make just a little more cash from this venture (or from my eBay antique textile shop, which is always more lucrative than the writing!) I'll definitely be engaging your services. I have access to several wonderful cover artists - but still find the formatting stuff takes such a lot of time.
Catherine

madwippitt said...

Is it okay if I substitute celery and carrot sticks for the calorie-laden snacks? The crunchy noises will still be the same ...

I must admit to a fondness for Russell Grant: he not only gives it as much as he can, but looks like the only one actually having fun and enjoying himself. Puts a real smile on my face when I watch!

Linda Newbery said...

Lovely, Simon! I'm just waiting for someone to do a version of the paso doble (sp?) in which the matador gets gored to death at the end. Come on, someone - please? If I were ever on Strictly (ridiculous thought!) I would only do the paso doble on condition that it ended that way. A whole box of chocolates and a bottle of Spanish wine when that happens.

Dan Holloway said...

Wonderful - and reminds me of that student classic the Withnail drinking game. I'm delighted to see I'm not the only one who dreams of "making it" just so they can get onto strictly (though sadly I'm too tall to be paired with Flavia even if I did make it). My wife and I had lessons a few years back, during series 3 & 4 I think, which turned out to be an unmitigated disaster, but I'd still love to go on. One of the highlights of teh year so far was going to see Vincent & Flavia's Argentine Tango show - wonderful!

Talli Roland said...

I'd love to play this game, but I don't watch Strictly! I'll have to come up with an alternate X-Factor version. :)

Simon Cheshire said...

Thanks for all the nice comments, guys!

Dan, I have to say I'm quite scared of the Argentine Tango - it looks like two scorpions fighting! I think I'd have the opposite problem to you: I'm quite short and might not reach above Christina Rihanoff's neck... Hmm, on second thoughts...