- one handful of peanuts each time Alesha uses the word 'story-telling'
- two handfuls of peanuts every time it looks like Len is about to stand up and walk out mumbling 'sod the lot of you'
- one twiglet for each Brucie joke which doesn't get a laugh, OR for each time you think Brucie's going to fall and break a hip
- a bag of ready salted crisps every time Anton clearly wishes he was doing Brucie's job
- one cheesy wotsit for each square centimetre of naked skin shown by Ola's new outfit (up to a maximum of seven party bags)
- a square of chocolate every time Anita Dobson smiles and frightens the children
- three doritos for each time you shudder either a) because you get an uneasy feeling that there's something sinister about Robbie the footballer, b) at the realisation that Artem and Holly have the same size breasts, or c) when you catch a glimpse of the searing need to win which lies at the heart of Katya Virshilas's soul.
- Finally, you have to down an entire pack of kettle crisps every time Russell Grant gets through to the next round and the judges have to pretend they want him back every bit as much as the public does.
Oh, before I go, just time for one of my utterly shameless plugs: my new ebook formatting and design service for self-publishers is now up and running at http://www.bookdesign.me.uk. Ah, got back on-subject in the end after all!